Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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