My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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