The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
