when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is my gift to your gina
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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