We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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