If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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