White coat. Heels.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
