It's like God shit irony all over that family
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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