I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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