I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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