take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
