i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
