I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
