i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
