I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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