theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
