if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
