Betty ford says i'm here all night
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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