he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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