Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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