It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it because I queefed?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
