what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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