he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
