I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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