It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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