She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
