ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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