I want to walk on stilts...naked
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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