tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I deserve this hangover.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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