Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
