It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
