I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
