So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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