next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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