I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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