I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
