Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Randomize
