Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
