I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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