I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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