Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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