He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
