she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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