Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
