meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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