EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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