i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
