I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
