Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
