So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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